Okay, I admit it...I watch"The Hills"

So let's get the cat out of the bag early...MTV was pretty new when I was in college. I know there are many walking the planet today who cannot imagine life before MTV, but such was the reality once upon a time, and shockingly we muddled through. I started watching MTV in college, and like a lot of things in college, like drinking too much once in a while, it just sort of stuck. I am not sure there are too many people my age that still watch MTV, but I do on occasion. I realize from the advertisements on MTV that I am far removed from the target audience. I don't need acne medicine, I don't use TAG body spray, and thankfully it has been many years since I have had to wear a condom.

As I learned many years ago, nothing is ever totally worthless, because it can always serve as a bad example. Watching "The Hills" the past couple of years, like the slow motion train wreck that grabs your attention and won't let go, I have learned several things and recognized that bad examples abound on popular culture. I know that just because you are good looking doesn't mean you have anything of substance to offer anyone or to society at large. This applies to both males and females. I have learned that males on "The Hills", and possibly many males in LA, have a limited command of the English language. They rarely speak in complete sentences with subjects and predicates and they rarely convey thoughts beyond single word answers to posed questions. They also wear wool stocking caps in Southern California during the day time. Isn't part of the allure of Southern California the fact that you can leave your woolly caps in the closet year round? Maybe sweating heads is a fashion statement, maybe they simply forgot that they are wearing wool caps in 85 degree weather, or they forgot to take them off their heads 5 years ago when they arrived in LA from Northern New England. I have concluded that the male characters on "The Hills" must be dumber than the average dolphin...not intending to slight the intelligence of dolphins.

Therefore it is a complete mystery to me, why the girls on "The Hills" spend time with these guys. Okay some of the relationships I can figure out. For those who saw Forrest Gump...Stupid is and Stupid does. If there is any doubt that I can haul the mail with respect to my acumen of "The Hills" I am getting ready to blow that out of the water. I can understand why Audrina dates guys like Justin Bobby...any questions there? Justin, the fake hard-ass who probably couldn't throw a football past his shadow and likely has no clue what hand his baseball glove goes on as a righthander. Let's just make this clear, the only person I have seen on television dumber than Audrina is Justin. At first I liked Audrina, I thought she was good to Lauren after the Heidi debacle. However the way she let herself be completely manipulated by someone as obtuse as Justin is beyond comprehension. The most creative deflection he could think of when he got busted making out with the redhead in front of his pseudo girlfriend was "you just see what you want to see". What is he talking about? Uhhh, okay Justin, what is your plan-B to get out of this jam. Thankfully Audrina sent him packing back to the hair salon where he works. Next up? Jason. Why would someone cute, seemingly bright, and as genuine as one can be on "The Hills" waste their time chasing Jason? Lauren seems to have a lot going for her. She is an intern who drives a $ 60K car, so something must be going right for her. She wasted how many years chasing Jason, who mastered his lines of "Huh?" and "I don't know" better than anyone in television history. Does this make any sense? I thought Heidi was going to be a good character and seemed to be a good friend to Lauren, until she met Spencer, whereupon she dumped her entire life for a guy who wants to fill his dining room with arcade games. I am not sure Spencer is smart enough to play the arcade games however, since they sat unused in the dining room the entire season. He could have had his friends over to play them, or show them how they worked, but he has no friends....but he does have a beach house...or mommy and daddy have a beach house. Remember when Heidi stabbed her friend in the back to get promoted and then asked her to transfer all the contacts from her old cell phone to her new one? That was great. Oh, and didn't she quit on the next episode? The train wreck really was in slow motion then because most people would have quit on the spot. I do like Whitney, I think she is the best of the bunch. She seems very well grounded has never been played by the morons parading around as the male characters on the show. I think she is bright and is lone admirable character on the show.

So I am totally embarrassed that I watch this show. I thought the season finale was a dud. Couldn't Heidi have started balling for us instead of standing there with a quivering lip when Spencer walked out? I have also learned that I do not want my daughters to emulate anyone on the show (okay maybe Whitney) and if they bring home a doofuss like Justin, Jason, or Spencer expect him to sit outside by himself in the cold when we have dinner together. He will finally get to make use of his woolly stocking cap that way.