Flying Below Half-staff

I am traveling out to my company’s annual sales kickoff meeting. I don’t mind these meetings while I am there, but I hate the time I waste traveling to these events and on the balance are generally not worth the time I spend at the meetings and the money my company spends putting on these events. However they seem to be a corporate ritual no matter where I work, so I try to make the best of the meetings and make the trip as pleasant as possible. After my 3rd Diet Coke of the day, somewhere over Wyoming and half way into my seat 300 pound seat-neighbor’s third pile of sawed logs I had to make my way to the lavatory. On my way back to the seat I noticed that the people watching the edited for airplane viewing movie seemed to be enjoying the movie more than a usual airplane film. They were smiling and giggling as I stumbled my way back to the airplane facilities. I thought that Shrek 2 must really be good as I got to the back of the plane, where us coach-class slugs had to take care of business. I thought any movie that could make people forget that they were packed into an aging 737 like tuna fish in a Starkist tin had to be a truly wonderful film. About the time I completed that thought, I closed the door to the bathroom only to discover that my fly was down. Holy mackerel! I was four and a half hours into a 6 hour trip. I had changed planes in Chicago, eaten the obligatory 7 dollar breakfast sandwich, gate checked my over-stuffed suitcase that had no chance of fitting into the overhead bin, only to now find out that I had done all this with my barn door open. Maybe Shrek 2 wasn’t such a good movie after all. I would submit that more than a few of smiles I saw walking back to the non-executive hopper were really sneers – “hey look at that knucklehead with his pants unzipped” “I am glad he’s wearing underpants”. These are a few of the things I would have thought had I seen me strolling back to the head, airing things out a little prematurely. It also explains why there were a few of the looks that were a little askance. When I sheepishly returned to my seat, I decided that reading PJ O’Rourke’s new book “Peace Kills” was a little too heady for me given my public display of indiscretion. I thought I should ponder my most recent “zipper down” experience. So here it goes: The thing that bothers me most is that, like locking my keys in the car, when I have a zipper down event, it is inexplicably followed by at least one usually two more events in the near future. Given that I was headed to a multi-day meeting where not only my team mates would be there, but my boss, his boss, followed by his boss on up to the top of our corporate food chain. Who would be the lucky duck that was around the next time I flew the flag at the bottom of the pole? How much damage to my career was this going to inflict? Until now, a little appreciated advantage of working for a company with over 10,000 sales, engineering, and management types, is that the probability was good that the next flash of boxer shorts was likely to be amidst total strangers. That was the best case scenario. The worst case is almost unfathomable. What if, heaven forbid, I won some award and had to go up on stage to shake hands with some executive who may not think that an introduction to Mr. Johnson was a good idea with the spot light on both of us in front of a crowd of 5,000 until now bored sales people eager to do what sales folks to best – empty out the nearest bar. If history was any predictor of future events, the probability was 100% that in the next 5 days I was going greet someone in full “zipper down”. I am starting to sweat.

My only consolation is that there have been other zipper down events that have had fairly innocuous or even happy endings. My brother in law was tossed out of a job with a formerly profitable S & L back in the initial days of over extending business plans when his seemingly happy employer went belly up. He was going through the grueling process of interviewing for jobs in the banking industry when there was a glut of banking professionals on the street thanks to the Keating 5 and other business visionaries. We were chatting one day about his quest and I asked him how his interviews were going. He told me that he had had what he hoped had been a promising interview earlier in the week. However he then told me that he was not bullish on his prospect for this position given that when he got in the car to return home, after interviewing all afternoon with the president of the bank and his executive team, he realized he had been “zipper down” all day. Better yet, he was wearing his best navy blue suit which created a fabulous contrast to his white boxer shorts. Is it ironic or simply fortuitous that after months of unsuccessful job interviews that the one interview you go through in its entirety with your fly down is the one where the phone rings and you hear that you have the job? There is no way that no one noticed his display. Come on, navy blue suit, white underwear, all day has to make an impression. What to you think bank’s executive committee said when they were making their decision to fill the job – which was for their chief lending position, an officer of the company? “that guy was able to pull off a full day of interviews with his fly down and didn’t skip a beat” or “Was his strategy to be ‘noticed’ in the interview process to flash his yang our way under the guise of being professionally dressed” I think I would have concluded that he had just given up his job search was now doing things like going all day with his fly open just to see what happened. I would have called some other banks to see if someone had shown up at an interview with no shoes, parked their car on the front lawn rather than in the parking lot, or had helped themselves to the interviewer’s chair and desk after exchanging pleasantries. However, this is a zipper down event with a decidedly happy ending. My brother-in-law got the job, got some stock options, waited for the bank to get gobbled up by some overpaying, incompetent rival, and cashed out with way more dough than he ever imagined. This really is a great country. However, I wonder two things about this little episode. First what would have happened if he had not had his fly down all day during his interview and second, what the heck were the other candidates like that the best of the bunch was a guy who couldn’t remember to check the barn door before going into an interview. I wish I could rewind this one to see what the other outcomes would have been.

In a far more personal zipper-down incident several years ago, I was waiting to get on very crowded flight back from Seattle. This was back in the day when I traveled all the time and having to fly coach was anathema. I was on stand by to upgrade to civilized class in very crowded waiting area. While standing by the check-in desk, trying to make sure the agent didn’t forget about me while not being a pest, a guy I had never seen before started walking toward the check-in counter. I was extremely worried that this was another upgrade wannabe, unwanted competition for my upgraded seat. If he had more miles than me I was toast. Just as I thought he was going to ask the agent to be added to the standby list for first class, he veered toward me, and stood right next to me. I was a little flustered as it was just about time for me to ask the attendant if I had made the cut yet and I didn’t want to get moved off her front burner. The interloper with intentions unknown leaned over to me and quietly said “I know you don’t know me, but if I were in your shoes, I’d want some one to say something to me” What could this possibly be? I wondered, starting to feel more than a little uneasy. He went on “you may want to pull up your fly unless you are trying to make a point with everyone else on this flight”. Rather than try to be coy or pretend like I had intended to have my pants unzipped in front of 200 people I had never seen before, I reflexively sent my hands into action to correct the problem and thanked him for his help. While I stood there and tried to compose myself, zipper back at full staff, I was called for the upgraded seat I coveted and was ready to head home. As luck would have, my informant was also in the upgraded cabin in the seat across the aisle. As he sat down, he commented, “going to keep everything in place for the flight or should I keep an eye out for you”. I laughed. I didn’t tell him about my track record leaving my fly down in bunches after the first offense. I would have bought him a drink for the flight home, but they were already free.

Out of the Mouths of Talking Heads

Out of the Mouths of Talking Heads…

Maybe it’s me, but has anyone else grown tired of listening to political talking points? Does everyone in politics think that we are so stupid that we can’t see when someone is simply towing the party line or reciting some rehearsed message intended for political gain? I think what really galls me about this is that there are some serious issues that need thoughtful solutions, and in general, we tend to get political shots over the bow and mindless banter back and forth looking for sound bites that will stick with viewers or (gasp!) readers of headline news. The media thinks that we all have ADD so if they can condense an entire issue that may require the mental capacity of Einstein and the patience of Job into a 10 second quip we will remember for more than 24 hours they have “educated” us about a particular issue or problem. The real problem is that the issues facing us today are not a game and are not about the 2008 presidential election. Let’s pick one example, oh, say social security. Anyone with more than spuds for brains knows that this system is going to go belly up in the future. It is a pyramid scheme (which is illegal for everyone but the federal government, but let’s not get sidetracked). By definition and in reality, at some point in the future, the system will not have enough revenue to meet its obligation. The only point of debate is when this will occur. Will the year be 2018 or 2040? I have no idea and it’s not the point. The point is that there is a brick wall this system will smash into sometime either before or about my retirement. The brick wall is there, the train is headed straight for it. The only variable is when the crash occurs. President Bush has decided that he will risk the political capital of his entire second term to fix this looming problem. I have not decided if his proposal of personal accounts is the best answer or not. I tend to think they will work over time and help relieve the government of its obligations under social security but I have not read enough objective analysis yet to decide one way or the other. It is possible that there is a better solution floating out there waiting for a champion to put it into play. The problem is that the only “debate” and I use this term very broadly, I have heard about President Bush’ idea of personal savings accounts has been talking points from the Democrats telling us what a stupid idea this is and how we cannot “afford” the proposed solution. I have a personal credo I try to live by especially in my professional life and that is, never gripe or complain about an issue if I don’t have a suggestion for how to fix the problem. I have read endless rants by Paul Krugman and listened to harangues by Ted Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi about what an incredibly risky and stupid idea the President has tried to inflict upon the country. I have read the outright distortions of this idea – this plan will wreck the system for current payees, this idea is an election debt that Bush owes his Wall Street buddies – who I am sure are calling the President everyday with insider trading information. I think they connected this plan to Haliburton somehow as well. I have heard the claims that the President’s plan will impoverish future retirees and will break the trusted bond between the federal government and the people (taxer/taxee). On a side note, I have news for the Dems, I have no idea what trusted bond they are referring to, as it has been ruled by the supreme court that the government can pull the plug on social security payouts any time it wants to and there is nothing you and I can do about it. How about that for a “bond”? I have also heard many Democrats say that there is no problem. I have always been impressed with a politician’s ability to simply deny away the truth, but this is math, 2+2 always equals 4. Pyramid schemes always screw the people on the bottom rungs because the system cannot fund the bloated top. The key point here is that I am still waiting for the first “plan B” or the first hint of a suggestion of another way to get off this road to financial oblivion. I have heard nothing but political pot shots and talking point blather about the pending financial train wreck in out future. The question is not if the system collapses, the question is just when. We are just haggling over the date. So when will any politician propose another idea to fix the problem? When will the talking point ping-pong match end? I am afraid the answer may be never or that the whole proposal to fix the problem will end up on the political scrap heap. This is what is so maddening about our politicians today, no one really gives a shit about you or me. No one gives a rat’s rear end if they fix this problem or if they train crashes. The only real issue for these people how will this affect the next election. This is why I never listen to an interview from the leader of the DNC or the RNC. I can already tell you what they will say. The RNC Chairman will love it. This is the panacea we have all been waiting for and why the heck have we been so blind, thank the Lord Almighty that George W. Bush has the courage to fix this problem. The DNC Chair will hate it. This is the stupidest idea from this president we have ever heard and that is saying something. Maybe when he finds the WMD’s in Iraq he will have the political capital to tackle the social security problem, if one exists. The proposal will add to our deficit and send the economy into a tail spin. Well, if that is all true, what would you do, assuming that do nothing is not an option? Go to the top of the talking points to hear the answer to that question. “This is stupidest idea…blah blah blah....economy into a tailspin.” If the people in Washington are all so smart, then why can’t anyone come up with an original thought? I know this condition in Washington won’t change anytime soon. Social Security will probably be broke by the time anyone musters the courage to actually address the problem or at least speak candidly about it in non-talking points. You and I will be the real losers as we will have paid thousands into a system for years and will get the federal brush-off when the time comes to actually tap into the “trust fund”. Well, I know I feel better, how about you? Let’s go spend some of the money our government has not taxed away from us while we still can.

Is Anyone Home?

Yawn…..Oh, I am sorry, I was busy not worrying about whether or not Carl Rove did whatever it is he is accused of doing. I am not sure anyone knows what he did or if what he supposedly did is a crime or even against the rules of common decency. I do know one thing though. In a country where upwards of 4 of 5 Americans cannot name a single supreme court justice I know that no one outside the beltway gives two hoots about whatever it is the media is trying to stir into an uproar or even better into a “scandal”. The Carl Rove Scandal – that is clearly the goal of the mainstream press. I have had the following thought many times over the past year or so, but have never bothered to put down this thought on paper – or onto my hard drive. I wonder if politicians and the pusillanimous press who hang on politicians every word understand how irrelevant “political news” is to everyday, non-political junkie Americans. I have heard Hillary Clinton spout off about something or another, I have heard George Allen make comments about something else, and the press trying to make Carl Rove evil incarnate. Okay, fine. I don’t really care. I can name all of the supreme court justices and couldn’t care less about 98.5% of what is breathlessly reported by the mainstream press about the actions and speeches of our politicians. It is not that I am not interested in politics. It is not that what they do does not at times have merit. However, if politicians are not talking about my wallet or doing something that will have a direct impact on my family or national security, I really don’t care what they say or who they say it to. It is comical and also a little sad to watch the parade of congress men and women make impassioned pleas about….whatever it is they are frothed up about and then listen to the press try to get a disinterested public…well interested in the latest “scandal”. Every two-bit journalist thinks that if they can just turn the volume up on their completely irrelevant story, they will be the next Bob Woodward. So let’s look at what is really going on with this Carl Rove story. The democrats and mainstream media who despise President Bush more than kids despise their broccoli are trying to score political points with this “scandal”. I guess my question is who are they scoring political point with and to what end? It is clear to me that the press and the democrats think Carl Rove’s name is catchy enough that it can be the next Enron or Haliburton. When the next election comes around they can use “Rove” like they tried to do with their other verbal bb’s. “Oh yeah, well Bush is just trying to pull another Enron – remember how close he was tied to Enron. If it wasn’t for Bush and Ernon…” – Really, what about Bush and Enron? Do you have any idea what Enron did for a living and why they collapsed? “Well Dick Cheney is just trying coddle his buddies at Haliburton. Haliburton is who got us in this mess in Iraq. If it wasn’t for Bush and Cheney doing their buddies at Haliburton a favor we wouldn’t be in Iraq” Really, that is fascinating, can you name one line of business at Haliburton? You must to remember all the shrill comments and accusations coming from the left using a single catch-word to demonize the Bush administration. One hundred percent of the time the person spewing the catch word had not a clue what the catch word was or meant other than it was bad and it was tied to President Bush or Vice-president Cheney. I am guessing that Haliburton and Enron have lost their political cachet, so the media needs to create a new one. Rove! Rove is a single syllable word and surely event the biggest simp can keep Rove in their head long enough for the democrats to hang Bush with the Rove scandal. The reality behind all of this is that Carl Rove was the chief architect of the campaign strategy last fall that made the dems look like the nation’s political keystone cops and lost an election where 46% of the nation would not have voted for George Bush under any circumstance. The democrats and their friends on the media left had to find an additional 4.1% of the vote to swing their way and with the make up of the electoral college the election was their’s – heck they really didn’t need that many more votes, they just need a few thousand more votes in Ohio. In any event the Dems and their liberal friends blew it – they choked big time. This is a political axe that the democrats and the mainstream press now have to grind. They can’t help it. They are still so fuming mad about snatching defeat from the jaws of victory last fall that if they have a chance to hang the chief architect who made the Dems look like a bunch of political ninnies, well, they just have to do it – no matter how disinterested the nation is. The problem is that absolutely no one cares. No one outside of Washington cares about this circus that is arguably as important as a b-league professional wresting match at the local high school gym. This is not the first issue of this ilk, they come and go all the time and are spun up by both sides of the aisle. The problem today is that the left is so overwhelmed by their hatred of George Bush that they will grasp at the flimsiest of straws to try to make him look bad. So now we have the shrill senator Clinton and the camera hound Chuck Schumer trying so desperately that the veins are popping in their ears to try to make anyone care about the Carl Rove scandal. The only good news is that in a week or two there will be a new scandal brewing that we can all ignore. Clinton, Schumer, and fat Ted Kennedy will be outraged about the newest scandal that never makes it outside of the beltway. Wake me up if the politicians start talking about cutting my taxes again – then they will have my full attention.

Failure is Not and Option

“Failure is not an option” This was the famous quote from the movie “Apollo 13”; the story of the nearly tragic Apollo mission where an explosion on board the command module not only derailed the landing on the moon but threatened the lives of the 3 American astronauts on board the spaceship. In 1970, when Gene Kranz, the NASA flight director uttered these words, they had an entirely different meaning that they do today. In 1970, these were words of great resolve. We were not going to let these astronauts die in space, we were going to work around the clock using every resource at hand to ensure the safe return home of the entire Apollo 13 crew. The book by Jim Lovell, the commander of Apollo 13 describes in great detail how the “13” mission was a successful failure in that the mission to land on the moon was a failure, yet the NASA team overcame great odds to bring the astronauts home. This is a story of tremendous American ingenuity, of doing the impossible, of grabbing victory from the jaws of defeat. Failure was, in fact, not an option.

In 2007, this phrase has an entirely different meaning. “failure is not an option” in today’s world seems less about overcoming obstacles than it does about making sure that no one fails. Today, “failure is not an option” means that no one is allowed to fail. Everyone must be at least slightly above average. No one can get below a “C”. No one can have the stress of losing a job. No one can go without health insurance. No one can lose their home because they made a bad loan decision and no one should have to cut their own wake, when someone else can do it for them. No one should have to pay for their own prescriptions. The more I hear proposals from our leaders, especially in recent years, the more I think that we are afraid to let anyone fail. We are working so hard to make sure that everyone, in spite of themselves, is guaranteed some level of accommodation, of success, and standard of living. I think this flies in the face of our heritage and who we are as Americans. I think it is representative of a softening of the American spirit and our will to achieve. I understand sentiment and share the feeling that ideally no one should suffer. It would be fabulous if everyone were bright and responsible, if they took care of their own lives and helped out their neighbors. No one in their right mind revels in another’s suffering or rejoices in their failure. However, failure happens. It is part of life. The plan to invade Normandy was a failure within the first 30 minutes of H-hour. Paratroopers were scattered all over Normandy, no one was in their drop zone. Softening of the beaches for the landing forces had failed and intelligence had failed to properly gauge the strength of the German resistance. American soldiers were being sent to slaughter, they were drowning before they go to the beaches, they were failing miserably. However, while the plan, over two years in the making, was a dismal failure, the invasion of Europe was not. The Allied forces were in a tenuous position early in the invasion, ready to be crushed, pushed back into the sea. However, this failure was not to be the final story, and brilliant leadership from non-coms on the beach, good old Yankee know-how, and sheer resolve turned this failure into the first step to emancipate Europe. No one was guaranteeing Allied success, no one could venture to try. Yet success was born of dismal failure. Similarly, hard as we try, no one can guarantee any base line of success for any individual life, nor should they try. Failure has spurned great success. While no one likes to fail, and no one plans to fail, failure happens to everyone on some level and the keys to eventual success is what do we learn, how do we respond, what can be gained? Our government leaders have become addicted to winning our votes by trying to guarantee some minimal outcome for all of us, with terrible results. Diminishing marginal returns and increased marginal costs make the desired outcome impossible. Government cannot guarantee success, it can only mandate mediocrity. If failure is not an option, it is not because the government passed a bill outlawing failure, it is because individuals determine for themselves that failure is not an option, and work to make it so. Gene Kranz knew that failure was not an option for Apollo 13, but he also knew that no one was else besides he and his NASA team was going get those astronauts home safely, failure was not an option, because they worked to make sure it was not. NASA didn’t call congress to ask for help, they helped themselves, and indeed, failure was not an option.

10 Questions:

1) When will actors, actresses, models, film directors and professional athletes realize that no one cares what they think about: the war in Iraq, the US healthcare system, the war on terror, US tax policy, or global warming? Given the academic credentials of most of the people in these fields, especially the mouthy ones, why do they believe they have any standing or credibility whatsoever?

2) When will the media figure out that the United States will “spit the bit” on soccer as a national pastime no matter how many times they try to cram it down our throats?

3) When will American politicians realize how little the vast majority of their constituents care about them?

4) Do politicians really believe all the drivel that they spout on a daily basis?

5) Why is it that so few American understand that the simplest way to increase the quality of healthcare while lowering the cost is to get government out of the healthcare business?

6) Did the framers consider the impact on the nation of a mostly uniformed electorate?

7) While the flood of illegal immigrants is intolerable and a tremendous threat to the country, a funnel has two ends. Why does no one talk about the ridiculously long time it takes to immigrate legally to the United States? We should completely seal the boarders by what ever means necessary with the promise that any request to enter the United States legally will be adjudicated in 90 days.

8) When did healthcare and retirement income become a right? I know when it started down the path to becoming a right (FDR anyone?) but when did we cross the bridge that for some odd reason people feel “owed” by the government? I have paid into Social Security for over 20 years, so I am owed….the money my employers and I have paid into the system, but if I could cash that money out tomorrow and be owed nothing I would.

9) Why is it okay that there are winners and losers in the entertainment and athletic fields, but among many in the United States, those in business are not entitled to get too far ahead?

10) Why is so much attention heaped on celebrities? Who the cares what they eat, where they vacation, what they name their children, or what they wear to bed? It must be hard to live in that kind of a fishbowl, but then, they bring much of this on themselves, I guess they and their obsessed fans deserve each other.